The 188th Crybaby Brigade : A Skinny Jewish Kid from Chicago Fights Hezbollah Hardcover - 2010

THE RUSSIAN

The Russian is poking my balls.

Its awkward.

Ive been trapped in this dank examination room since nine oclock. In five minutes itll be nine-thirty, and I feel like a dope, what with my boxer shorts at my ankles and my dick in my hand so the Russian can get a good view.

Hmm, he says.

Its Tuesday morning, the eighth of July, and Im at the Israel Defense Forces Induction Center outside Tel Aviv. I arrived in Israel three weeks ago. Today is my first pre-army checkup.

The Russian says something in Hebrew, but I cant understand him through his thick Russian accent.

Huh? I say.

He switches to broken English. You pee-nus ? hurt you?

Lo! I say in Hebrew, and shake my head. Penis tov! My penis is
fine.

The Russian scoots forward on his knees. Hes about sixty years old and bald. Even though hes a doctor, hes dressed like a plumberplaid short-sleeve shirt, dirty jeans. I imagine that back in Russia he was a brain surgeon. Now he checks gonads for the Israeli Army.

Up, he says.

I lift my penis until its flat against my stomach.

He squeezes my testicles gently as if trying to pick the perfect peach. His forehead is inches from my belly. Im a hiccup away from a dishonorable discharge.

Cough, he says.

Huh-hem.

He pulls his enormous Clark Kent eyeglasses off the crown of his head, presses them onto his nose, and jots a note on his clipboard, while I, in the meantime, try to think about anything in the world besides how much I hate holding myself while a nearsighted, balding Russian takes notes.

I try to name every team in the National League.

Cubs. Phillies. Mets.

My visit to the Induction Center began at eight this morning, when I showed up at the front gate without so much as an appointment. I cant let you in without draft orders, said the soldier guarding the entrance. He was a chubby kid, with blond hair, sunglasses, and an Uzi. He stood in a white booth next to a chain-link fence. A hundred yards behind him were the three redbrick buildings that made up the Induction Center com-
plex.

I explained in Hebrew that because Id immigrated to Israel less than a month ago, I hadnt yet received my draft orders. But here, I said, pulling out my brand-new national ID card. Im Israeli.

The soldier scrutinized my ID card. Then he looked at me, then back at the card, and then back to me. Wherere you from? he asked suspiciously.

The United States, I said.

America, he purred. Where?

Chicago.

Chicago Bulls! he cried. Michael Jordan!

Ive driven past his house, I said.

He handed me my ID. Straight ahead. Inside the middle building.

The Russian grabs the edge of his desk and hoists himself to his feet. Bend over, he orders. He must see the look of horror that flashes across my face, because he quickly adds, You can put on your pants first.

Thank God.

I bend over and touch my toes. The Russian taps my spine. Your backs crooked, he says.

It is? I shout through my legs, trying to sound surprised.

You ever have back pain? he asks.

The way I see it, I have two options. Option One: tell the truth, that is, confess to the Russian doctor that I was diagnosed with mild scoliosis when I was nine and that, three months ago, during a pickup basketball game at the JCC, I collapsed to the gymnasium floor with back pain so severe it took the paramedics thirty minutes just to roll me onto the stretcher. I would then have no choice but to inform the Russian that my personal physician in the States, Dr. Zielinski, had advised me not to enlist in the Israeli Armynot that Zielinski had thought the IDF would take me. I cant speak for Israel, hed said, but a back as messed up as yours would never be allowed in the Marine Corps.

The problem with Option One is that if the Russian finds out about my back, he will assign me to a noncombat desk job. But I dont want a desk job. I didnt immigrate to Israel to type memos or change tires. Im here because since I was seventeen years old, Ive dreamed of jumping out of planes, charging up mountains, and hiking the desert with a pack on my back as a combat soldier in the Israeli Army. For this reason, I choose Op-
tion Two:

Lie.

My backs perfect, I say.

Hmm, says the Russian.

He massages the glands in my neck. He studies the soles of my feet like theyre a map of the sunken treasure. He sticks an icy stethoscope into my chest and orders me to breathe.

Ah-huh.

Sit.

I sit. He sits across from me at his desk. Tell me about your family, the Russian says. Any medical history I should know about?

I shake my head.

Your mother?

My mother has multiple sclerosis, walks with a cane, and at times is confined to a wheelchair. Nope.

Father?

My dads back is worse than mineso bad that hes had surgery on it twice. Nothing comes to mind.

Siblings?

One of my younger brothers has Crohns disease. The other had croup, two hernias, and an undescended testicle. Not that I can think of.

The Russian scribbles on my chart. Youre going combat, he says.

I pump my fist and smile. My scoliosis has been overlooked! My feet are arched! My balls are worthy of a medal!

I skip to the door. Chasnoff! the Russian barks.

I freeze.

Dont do anything stupid, he says.

Too late.

2010 Joel Chasnoff

Joel Chasnoff is a stand-up comedian and writer with stage and screen credits in eight countries. His writing has been featured in The Idiot's Guide to Jokes and The Big Book of Jewish Humor: 25th Anniversary Edition. On tour, he was the warm-up act for Jon Stewart and Lewis Black of The Daily Show.

After graduating from the University of Pennsylvania, Chasnoff moved to Israel and volunteered for a combat unit of the Israeli Army. As a member of the 188th Armored Brigade, Chasnoff was voted Outstanding Soldier of the Company and deployed to Lebanon for a tour of duty against Hezbollah. The 188th Crybaby Brigade is Chasnoff's humorous memoir about his year in the Israeli military.

A portion of all proceeds from sales of The 188th Crybaby Brigade is donated to Chasnoff's charitable foundation, Project Elijah.